Earlier in my life, I could’ve been a poster-child for social anxiety. My self esteem was a general disaster area. I was awkward meeting new people. I had a hard time looking people in the eye. If a random person unexpectedly stopped me to talk, my first response would be to feel defensive. And don’t get me started on trying to approach women… yeesh.
At some point in our lives we have all experienced social anxiety in one form or another. When surveys are conducted, it ranks near the top every time, even above the fear of death! As I said in my last post, fear that aids in survival can be healthy; fear of things that aren’t directly threatening to our survival, not so much. Social interaction never killed anybody, and people are naturally social animals. Obviously finding a way to eliminate these fears is in our best interest.
So why are we so afraid of each other?
That’s a damn good question; glad you asked. 
Social anxiety stems from two mistaken beliefs, held either consciously or subconsciously.
1. “My worth is determined externally, by what other people think of me.”
2. “Other people are more important than I am.”
Fortunately I can scientifically prove that both of those are false; no matter who you are. Using quantum physics no less. Don’t run off screaming; I promise it won’t make your head explode! Check this out:
Question1: What are you made of? (Correct answer: “Particles and empty space.”)
Question 2: What am I made of? (Correct answer: “Particles and empty space.”)
Question 3: What separates us? (I’ll give ya three guesses and the first two don’t count. Yep: “Particles and empty space.”)
Call me a geek (and you’d be right) but reflecting on this truth was one of the major shifts in thinking that eliminated my fear of other people. And it’s the same thing mystics of all major traditions have been saying for centuries: we are all interconnected, and the different between “me” and “you” is hazy at best. We all have a role to play, from the president, to the beautiful woman you want to get to know, to you and I; but “importance” and “authority” are both illusions that we project on other people. When you realize on every level that your self worth is inherent and comes from within, that you’re about as important as you believe yourself to be, and that other people’s opinion and response to you is largely influenced by how you see yourself, you will be the one projecting an air of authority and importance. It then becomes possible to use even your own self image as a tool to start creating your ideal social experience. Let’s look at some specific situations though, and what can be done to make them feel more natural.
Fear of Social Situations
Once you’ve done the internal work to improve your self image to reflect the response you’d like to get from others, the best advice I can give is to practice, practice, practice. If you still have anxiety, acknowledge that but do it anyway. It helps to keep in mind that there’s a good chance the other person whose opinion you’re concerned about might be just as worried about what you think of them! Or that they used to be, if they’ve already done the work to move past their own social anxiety. In any case I’m not going to go too much into how to build good social skills in this post because I’m mostly concerned with achieving the ideal state of mind first; besides that topic has been covered on a million other sites, and books.
One thing I do recommend is doing some thinking on what your comfort zone is, and then deliberately taking small steps outside it. Use the every-day encounters that you probably have to do anyway for practice. I found people that I encountered on regular errands or otherwise had to buy something from, to be good practice for two reasons. First, being pleasant is probably part of their job, so you’re basically guaranteed a good reaction. Secondly, all too often people like the mailman, the bank teller, the waitress, aren’t acknowledged on a more personal human level – so when you do, their reaction will probably be genuine. In any case, the positive interaction will reinforce to your subconscious that you can interact confidently and get a positive response. So, when you’re going about your day, make it a point to look that person in the eye, smile and tell ‘em to have a good one.
A lot has been said about how the online world is no substitute for social interaction in person, which is true, but kept in its proper perspective it too can be used as a tool for overcoming social anxiety. When I was restructuring my self image and way of relating to others, you might say I beta-tested a lot of my ideas and ways of communicating online in order to see how other people reacted to different things. On the internet we can be whoever we want, so it’s a good place to experiment with minimal risk. It was also useful for developing my interests, finding new ones and getting more comfortable expressing my thoughts, beliefs and opinions to other people. At some point though, you’re going to have to take what you’ve learned out in the real world in order to continue growing.
For those who are feeling a bit bolder, I recommend taking the experimentation out into the real world. After all, there’s no better way to overcome a fear of making an ass of yourself… than by making an ass of yourself! 
This ties into what I said yesterday about setting up the playing field on your own terms. This can be a lot of fun – get together with an equally adventurous friend, go someplace away from where you live where nobody knows you, and deliberately do things that are out of character. Go out wearing something ridiculous. Make up a joke survey and see if you can get people to take it. Go up to the first ten people you see, tell them you’re from the planet Zexpar, your ship has crashed and you’re wondering if they have a spare fluxulator. No, seriously. The idea is of course to set things up so that you can drop your inhibitions in a safe way, and in doing so, lose your attachment to what other people think. What do you have to lose except your fear? This exercise is limited only by your imagination and comfort level. Let’s keep it legal and ethical too, though [insert liability waiver here for my-arse-covering purposes].
Fear of the Opposite Sex
This is the other biggie for many people, and I’m no stranger to it. Most of what I have to say is of course from a male perspective, but hopefully my female readers can also extrapolate something for their own benefit.
For many guys, approaching women, especially really attractive ones, is nerve-wracking. It helped me a lot to think on why I found beautiful women intimidating. At some point I decided there was no reason I shouldn’t interact with whoever I want, and this fear was holding me back, so I started challenging it. The short of it was that after questioning all the usual assumptions, when I couldn’t come up with a good answer for why they should be intimidating, I stopped being intimidated. The longer version is that women, no matter how beautiful, are just regular people like me or anyone else, strengths, weaknesses, flaws, insecurities and all. So why should I give them any special treatment, whether in my own mind or in practice? Why is it up to me to impress a woman? If I’m to decide whether she’s someone I want to pursue spending more time with, isn’t it equally important for her to impress me? Just another few examples of how thinking outside the box and challenging disempowering beliefs can bring good results.
My idea above for deliberately going outside your comfort zone in a “safe” way applies here too – go out in public, pick a girl you find attractive but aren’t worried about ever seeing again if it goes badly; smile and say hi, or even start a conversation if you’re up for it. Don’t even plan on having anything more come of it; do it solely for the practice. For that matter, strip clubs (yes, seriously) could also be a good place to get used to talking to attractive women in a safe environment. Just see it as social practice and don’t read too much into it there, turbo; it’s what they’re paid for.
One last thing for now thats worked in my favor, oddly enough… is that I’m an equal opportunity heckler. Even when I was having a much harder time socially, I’ve always loved messing with people in a playful good natured way and pointing out the absurd wherever I find it… and nobody is safe, muahaha. It’s probably not for everybody, but if you can pull it off, it works extremely well on a lot of levels. Humor and laughter is the best cure for tension and anxiety for all involved. I’ve also found that when it’s done right and everyone’s having a good time, a bit of ribbing is disarming in a way that puts you in the “power position” of an interaction and causes people to see you as 1. fun and 2. someone they want to impress.
Now that I’ve gone through the ways I overcame my social anxiety, it’s your turn – what has worked well for you? Tell us about it!
–Palehorse
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