This article details a technique that worked for me, and also for friends who have similar relationship histories.

After 15 years of bad relationships, I realised something had to change and that the only person who could change it was me. I’d just come out of a 10 year marriage which was very unhealthy, and had gone a long way to killing off the remnants of my lousy self-esteem. Without getting too personal: during the course of my marriage I’d not been allowed to express myself, I’d been misrepresented to everyone he knew, I’d been belittled at every opportunity and cheated on constantly.

Poor self-esteem often leads to fear of being alone, which in turn leads to bad relationship choices, which leads to… worse self esteem.

I’d been attracting friendships and partners who exploited weaknesses I had.. and the effects of fixing these issues manifested as each new, decent person who came into my life. To attract quality people it is necessary to work on self-love, and the fear of singledom as concurrent issues.

You can only love another once you love yourself. Here are the seven steps which enabled me to love, and be loved for the first time in my life.

1. Love Your Own Company!

I had been afraid to be alone.. and so had settled for friends and partners I really shouldn’t have.

With one child and another on the way, I knew that the last thing I should do was rush into a new relationship. I didn’t want to be the caricature single mother portrayed by the media; introducing a new “uncle” to my children each saturday night. While this grossly misrepresents the vast majority of single mothers, it did make me re-asses my priorities and start me on one of my best spiritual journeys; that of learning to love myself. I embraced being alone, and with each day that passed I enjoyed it more and more. I felt freer than I had in years… silly things like being able to hold the TV remote, 3am baths, and being able to indulge my pregnant self with whatever food I was craving. I spent one to one time with my eldest daughter, and I spent one to one time with me when she went to bed. I enjoyed learning about myself, and my tastes which had been squashed for so long. I felt empowered by realising I wasn’t the evil harridan I’d been made out to be, but someone who rose above other’s actions and did what I felt to be right without pettyness or spite. I encouraged my children’s relationship with their father and never spoke ill of him infront of them, and while this often wasn’t reciprocated, I felt proud of myself that I wouldn’t be led into playing the role he’d written for me. I realised his cheating said far more about my ex than it did me. While it was happening I’d blamed myself, thinking his unfaithfullness was somehow my fault for not being pretty, or smart, or “insert a thousand equally stupid reasons here” enough. Being alone gave me the time and space I need to realise that the only blame I held was to allow him to continue sleeping around, by not valuing myself enough to expect better treatment.

2. Love Yourself!

Slowly but surely I began to like myself, and faced up to traits I posessed that I found a total turn-off in others; desperation, spinelessness, martyrdom and passive-agressiveness. It was a shock to take responsibility like that, but soon overcoming my own issues became a passion. With each improvement I made, I became happier, assertive and more secure in my own skin. Within six months, and by the time daughter number 2 was born, I had learned to like myself a hell of a lot, and changes were coming thick and fast! I reclaimed my home with new furniture and ornaments. I chatted to men online without feeling I had to tone down or compromise who I am; I’d developed a real “take me as you find me or fuck off” attitude. This becomes especially relevant later in this blog, when it comes to “The List”.

3. Be Yourself!

As previously touched upon, my ex-husband portrayed me in a stereotypical “nagging bitch at home” role, to family, friends and colleagues. I feel that he needed to see me this way in order to indulge his view of himself as the “philandering husband”. One thing I have always vehemently opposed is people assuming things about me, but this rot was too widespread to deal with directly. I refuse to prove myself to anyone, and even more so to an entire social circle of “anyones”!

Instead I focussed on what I was learning about who I am; that I’m not petty, spiteful, vindictive or loud… That I am tolerant, accepting, strong and thoughtful. I embraced these qualities and many more, and saw that the true me was something my ex refused to see. By being true to myself I changed people’s views in a healthier way than emotionally fraught confrontation would have. Less dramatically, I just liked being me!

4.Express Yourself

We were like chalk and cheese, with my ex having very mainstream tastes in music, fashion and film, and me being your typical wierdo.

I found a lot of catharsis in finally stamping my signature on the home; getting out ornaments and candles I’d had tucked away for years and listening to music I enjoy rather than having the TV on as a constant soundtrack to life… with all it’s constant invasive barrage of lifestyle advertising. (That’s another blog!)

5.Appreciate Yourself

People treat you the way you show them you want to be treated. It’s that simple. This is not “Do unto others…” but “Do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you.” I mentally patted myself on the back over the slightest thing, much as one encourages a child, and, sure enough friends started to let me know they appreciated and respected me.

6.Put Yourself First!

In any triage situation, training dictates that you take care of your own needs before helping others, as a way of ensuring the best outcome all round. I’d learned to say “No!” to any request I felt would lead to me becoming resentful of the asker. This came about because I noticed my life was happier when I felt good, and hell, it’s my life! Life is about personal experience, and I wanted mine to be positive. I gave freely what I felt able to give rather than feel drained of personal resources. To be selfish doesn’t automatically mean “hurting others”… that’s just the popular misconception. Martyrdom isn’t healthy… that’s another blog too.

7.The List

After a year of noticeable improvement, I began to think about what I wanted from life. I was happy living the single life, or single mom life at any rate. I’d realised that I would rather be without a significant other than compromise with someone who was bad for me, and of course my girls. I felt very strongly that loneliness was no excuse for making bad choices. Plus, I wasn’t that lonely- I had a great network of friends!

What prompted The List was numerous advances by men who were clearly The Ex #2. I was no longer someone who suffers fools gladly, and took great delight in telling them so. I knew what I didn’t want… so what did I want? (assuming I was ever prepared to date again!)

I wrote a very specific list of what my ideal man would be personality-wise and yes, looks-wise. I make no apology for this; some may think me shallow, but you can really tell a lot about a person by how they choose to present themselves to the world. What was contained in The List was the recipe for a guy I felt to be truly compatible with me. I won’t bore you with the contents.. all I’ll say is if you try this, I cannot stress enough that I was specific. No “GSOH, SWM” for me. I specified beliefs, musical taste, style, hair, hobbies…After writing this down, I felt empowered. I had recognised my needs and that was a huge breakthrough for me. I swore then that come what may, I’d never settle for Mr Not-Quite-Right. I’d learned to be happy without a partner, and I’d learnt to love myself enough that I felt worthy of the guy I’d described.

The rest is, well, history.

–Gehenna

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