Synchronistically, before I sat down to write this article I was reading a book in which it was stated “the mind is maya” (maya being a Sanskrit term that comes to us from Hinduism and Buddhism, meaning “illusion.”) This idea is common; the mind, or ego, is rightly recognized as delusional. Where these sources fall short is where they identify the mind with its delusion; claiming that the mind itself is nothing more than an inherently flawed collection of programming, that in the words of Eckhart Tolle, is “destined to dissolve.”

Equating the ego with its illusions is a bit like saying “a computer is a virus.” I recently had a virused laptop, which was completely inoperable; I was unable to “see its contents for what they were.” Should I have just thrown the laptop out the window? Tempting, but after a de-virusing by Gehenna (for which she deserves a standing ovation) and a new, superior operating system later (Ubuntu for the curious), I’ve got back what almost feels like a brand new computer. It’s in perfect working condition, and in an even better position than before, to allow me to interface with a greater reality. How much more the ego?

The ego is not inherently “bad” or in conflict with spirituality; it is just addicted. “Addiction” is a great way to describe the situation, for what is an addiction but one thing falsely substituted for another, that sucks up an unhealthy amount of energy and resources in a futile attempt to gain the original object of desire?

I have already identified Power, Wisdom and Love as the three “primary colors” of creation – and the true object of all yearning. After spending a while working on my understanding of these, I began wondering if the ego’s errors could similarly be broken down into basic elements. I went back over all my experiences to pick out the common threads, and at the end of this process I had boiled it down to three primary addictions that most people identify themselves with and pour massive amounts of their energy into. These are fear of loss, need for control and need for approval, which play out in the primary areas of life circumstances, material possessions and relationships. Let’s explore them, shall we?

Fear of Loss

This one could also be called “fear of death,” as at the heart of it is the ego’s fear of its own impermanence. However, most people equate death with physical death, and since this addiction, as well as the Death archetype, encompass so much more, it would probably be more helpful to stick with “loss.”

The ego typically attempts to find security by attaching to “things,” believing that if it can find something permanent to identify with, its own immortality would be assured. This is an exercise in futility. Change is a given; everything in the universe is flowing; constantly in motion. When we make something part of our identity that can be taken away, great suffering can result. If your identity is your job title, and you lose your job, who are you? If your sense of self is tied up in a relationship, which ends, do you end with it? If your self concept is attached to the accumulation of “stuff,” and a natural disaster should strike, taking away all your material possessions, does your identity get taken away as well?

Most people pour heroic amounts of their energy into hanging onto what is, out of fear of the implications of change and loss. This can only end badly, as the universe does not respond well to hoarders. Since everything is being kept in motion, you end up trying to build a foundation based on this hoarded material, and keep it all static, while the universe is taking it back out again. The only possible result of this process is that at physical death, when all temporary constructs are revealed as such, the ego loses itself.

Unlike most sources I disagree that this necessarily has to be the case, though the fact remains that the ego will have to find something more enduring to identify itself with, and become capable of moving with the flow of change, if it is to survive physical death. This subject will be elaborated on in the future, though for now, Power, Wisdom and Love would be a good place to start.

Need for Control

The next primary method the ego uses to establish a sense of security and self-validation, is control. If we can just manage to exert enough control over our personal circumstances, and the people in our environment, we’ll be okay – so the very flawed (and usually unconscious) theory goes.

While appearances can be deceiving, and our attempts at control may appear to be working for a time, this approach is ultimately unsustainable. When we attempt to force some part of the world to conform to our ideas of the way it should be, we usually fail to see things for what they are. To get any person, thing or part of nature to do or be something to which it is not well suited, and would not be otherwise inclined, requires the continuing use of coercive force. This is a tenuous position, as demonstrated by the fact that those who are most in the habit of trying to control and manipulate others to conform to their version of “the way things should be,” otensibly in a misguided quest for security, are some of the most insecure people, completely lacking in self-control.

Unfortunately, crowbarring round pegs into square holes and then applying force to keep up the illusion that this is where they belong, just about sums up the entire MO of society, religion, education, occupation, technology and many human relationships. We essentially take parts of ourselves, each other, and nature as hostages, forcing them into slavery to do our bidding, and give this process names like “responsibility,” “progress” and even “love.”

The only possible outcome for all systems of control, is breakdown. Eventually one of three things happens: 1. that which is being controlled becomes so worn down by the force being applied to it that it is rendered inoperable, 2. the controlling mechanism runs out of available sources of energy to exploit, and breaks down, or 3. when speaking in terms of human beings, the person being controlled recognizes their status as a slave or a hostage, finds or cultivates a measure of strength greater than the control mechanism, and casts it off. In all cases the fact remains that it takes a whole lot more energy to force someone or something into a role it’s not suited for, and maintain the charade, than it does to simply allow and encourage things to do and be what they are. Often all that’s required is seeing what is, and the rest naturally falls into place on its own once the illusion can no longer be maintained.

Need for Approval

From an early age we’re socialized to view the approval of others as a measure of our sense of self-worth. This very primal need to have someone tell us we’re “good” starts with our parents, soon extends to teachers. We quickly learn that when our behavior and self expression meets the expectations of the authority figures in charge of much of our early experience, all is well with the world. Religion has pretty much cornered the market on convincing us we’re inherently “bad” and in need of fixing, enlightening or saving, though pop-culture science comes in close second on this front with its claims that rational self interest, which requires “civilizing,” is our default nature. I dispute both claims strongly, though that’s a rant for another post. The point is that all institutions that start with the idea that we’re somehow not “good enough” to merit approval, pave the way to instill an artificial need that can never be met (but sure makes a hefty profit for those claiming otherwise!)

Some then grow up, feeling as if they did not get adequate approval from those early authority figures. Others may have gotten too much (especially if they grew up during the “self-esteem” craze of the past few decades), and quickly find that the adult world is not quite so concerned with feeding their ego’s craving for positive reinforcement. Either way, the need for the approval of others becomes an addiction; something that is sought for its own sake, and we come up with endless clever ways to get it. The problem is that no amount of approval is ever enough to satisfy; the “high” is short-lived. This artificial “need” becomes just another misuse of our energy; a futile attempt to control the thoughts and actions of others, and a way for others to gain a measure of control over our self expression and behavior. This mechanism plays out in many, usually unconscious (though sometimes deliberate!) ways throughout our lives. In the same way as it was used to modify our behavior as children, positive and negative reinforcement is used to “keep us in line,” meeting others’ expectations and not straying from the status quo in many aspects of our lives. Every Scooby Snack becomes bait, luring us further and further away from our own integrity, genuine self-expression, and true fulfillment. “What would people think?!” becomes the mantra by which we shackle ourselves to mediocrity and hollow definitions of “success” that did not originate from within.

The simple act of exerting effort for the sake of gaining approval contradicts what approval actually is — which is freely given when merited. If you have to put energy into getting others to approve of you, what you get back has nothing to do with meriting approval — it just means you’re good at manipulation. Unless you can overcome the tendency to put the approval of others as one of your primary motivations, it is impossible to fully know, much less express your genuine self. This is because all attempts to gain approval are, in reality, a distortion of the genuine, natural desire for love. To tap into the universal source of Love, first by cultivating self-love, and then by learning to share it with others in a healthy and mutually beneficial way, is to find a sustainable source of connectedness and security that no addiction can satisfy.

All Things in Place

Just like the three prime virtues, the three addictions play out in our lives in a myriad of subtle ways, mix, match and overlap with each other. Before identifying them in these terms, recognizing and detaching from all my unhealthy patterns and addictions was slow going; “the enemy” an ever illusive foe that could shapeshift, disguise itself and hide with the best of ‘em. Much like the effect of creating a mission statement though, the effect of identifying the three primal addictions as such sped this process up dramatically. Once I recognized them for what they are, did work to detach myself from them and plugged into the universal source of Power, Wisdom and Love, they went from being addictions sucking up an endless amount of personal resources, to being useful tools to pick up and drop at will.

Without the drive to attach to things and attempt to keep them static, the fear of loss simply becomes a force of preservation. While the compulsion to hoard and hold things in place is counterproductive and ultimately unsustainable, there’s still a need to be able to hold onto resources, relationships and circumstances while we’re able to make good use of what they have to offer. I’m not so attached to my possessions that losing them would be a major emotional wrench to my very identity, but I still lock my doors at night. I need exert no force or coercion to keep my relationships intact, but I still try to make sure others know that I value having them around.

When freed from the attachment of addiction, control becomes more associated with self-direction and navigation. Since we live in a universe of probabilities rather than absolutes, we ultimately can’t force things to conform to our will and hold them in place indefinitely. However, when we learn the nature of the forces in which we operate, starting with the ones operating within ourselves; when we learn who we are, and be that, it becomes increasingly possible to chart our own course within the sea of probability. When we gain true security in who we are, we likewise recognize who and what we’re not, and can enforce our boundaries accordingly.

For someone who has released the addiction to approval, approval can be a valuable tool. I don’t require anyone’s approval to know that I believe in the material I post on this site for instance, though valuable feedback from my readers lets me know when I’m speaking my mind in a way that others can relate to more readily. Being true to one’s own self is integral to any path of self-mastery, but it can’t all be about the individual self. Living in a world of six billion people, and a multiverse full of interesting characters of varying descriptions, refining one’s approach for a greater likelihood of harmonious coexistence couldn’t hurt. I have known people (including myself, at one time) who went the other way and completely disregarded the opinion of others – this tends to cut us off, which is no more healthy than being addicted to their approval. While we shouldn’t need anyone’s approval to be ourselves and pursue our own individual path, I’ve found that there’s a pretty wide range of possible ways to be me without compromising my integrity. In that sense, I can find creative ways to be true to myself – but within the context of interconnectedness.

–Palehorse
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