Popular self-help guru Steve Pavlina often pops snippets of wisdom on his facebook page, which are often controversial ..but hey, if it touches a nerve, it’s made you think ..at least that is the idea right? Sadly “thinking” is a concept alien to some Seekers, as you’ll find out during the course of this rant blog.
This recent Steve-ism caught my eye: “Saying “I’m done with you” once can be more effective than having to say “I forgive you” a dozen more times.” This is something that I’m definitely with Steve on, and I have written often on ending abusive or other unhealthy relationships, and the importance of not become a martyr.
Forgiveness is a process that I see as meaning you will no longer pay the emotional price for the actions of another; you’ll no longer take responsibility for that person, and you accept the part you played in everything. In some cases it is easy to forgive and continue to enjoy that person’s role in your experience. Sometimes, taking responsibility means no longer allowing that person in your life.
Forgiving another either gives them a second chance, or enables them to continue their bad behaviour. After several kiss and make-ups, or gentleman’s handshakes, if you are still not seeing real change, ask yourself why. Are you forgiving or validating that person? This life is your journey, remember that.. and do not feel guilty for making a hard choice if it ultimately is the best way for you to grow. You are not here to carry anyone else through the entirety of their life.
As anyone on the meta-scene knows, there are “conscious” people… and then there are the “Enlightened” (insert sarcastic quote-y finger gesture). The conscious make an effort to live courageously; aware and responsible for their actions and their own lives and circumstances. Conscious living can be hard at times, as one has to face some pretty uncomfortable truths about oneself.
The “Enlightened”? Whew… in a nutshell, these are the holier-than-thou, sanctimonious, Tolle-fodder spewers. (Now say that ten times 
) Original thought? Na-uh.. If it doesn’t come from someone who advocates ego-death, putting others before oneself, destroying one’s possessions and turning the proverbial cheek, they don’t wanna know. They parrot the whole “New Age Doormat” waffle like a mantra, as if love, light and blind trust will save their home, wife and kids from the machete-wielding robber/rapists that just broke down the door.
Here is a post I shared with friends after reading this reply on Steve’s “I’m done with you” thread:
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“Some ponce-y glitter-monger: “Should we really throw someone out just because logic permits it? People can change. They might not really want to change their harmful actions now, but maybe in the future they will become more intelligent… For the time being we certainly don’t have to put effort into establishing a connection with those who hurt us, but if we actively get rid of them forever, aren’t we just telling the universe that things we also are capable of make us reject-able as people too? I propose that we trust everyone as much as we safely can. For some people this won’t be much, but I bet if we look hard enough there will always be some common ground. I don’t know about you, but for me I find that if I reject someone completely, I have to constantly justify it to myself and it still seems suboptimal. It also is a loss for me too because then I can no longer learn from the person I have rejected.”
Me:”ffs, what a twat. If you go to a buffet and you know caviare makes you shit runny green water, do you really need to keep tasting it to be “fair to the caviare” and “learn from it”, or do you go, no, I choose to not experience the caviare, bring me some fried mushroom
what a friggin idiot, fucking enlightened Doofus!”
..and now some replies from friends of mine:
“Totally agree with you..hope people don’t take his advice…particularly people in abusive relationships…it’s just dreadful.” -SF
“I bet he has guilt-wanks, srsly, it must be guilt, guilt all the time. fucking holy hell.”-Me again 
”New Age= let your demons fester and thrive in the silence of your denial, open yourself up to be completely trodden on (for experience of course), and only wear clothes you think Ashtar would approve of.”-SM
”That is just way wrong. Sometimes you get people in your life that are just so toxic that the only way to free yourself from their damaging energy and actions is to totally cut ties! This ignoramus is just enabling people who won’t let go off a bad relationship they NEED to get out of and away from.”-SMcB
“Fuck light workers, Im off to eat kittens with georgie.”-SM
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This is a dangerous bit of advice to give to someone in a bad relationship. It encourages the guilt and lack of self-worth that they are already wrestling with, and it tells them they are wrong if they don’t say “enough”. The Pop-New-Age denial, pretence and martyrdom mindset is about glossing over and hiding real problems.. problems that can be fixed by living consciously. Facing your demons in cold, stark truth, allows you to grow, thrive and learn about yourself, far, far more than keeping an asshole around in the hope that they might change.
Your duty is to yourself, no other. You can only support someone while they do the work they need to do. Thinking you can change another is a fallacy of co-dependence. Right up there along with the thinking that sacrificing yourself makes you a better person and that you are somehow needed. I choose to be with someone who wants me and it is much nicer than being needed, I assure you
The “Enlightened” have chosen a label that they try to make fit. It is somehow noble to be “Enlightened”, a paragon of virtue and goodness far, far removed from any sense of what it means to be human. They practise a “speak/hear/see no evil” mindset which is blind to reality. If your goal is to play your part in bringing a better world for everyone, then surely being in no doubt as to what needs changing would be a good idea? Ya think? Where do the “Enlightened” get these ostrich/masochist ideas from?
Why, that’d be Eckhart Tolle again.. he’s Oprah Winfrey’s “man of the hour”. His influence spreads like a horrible, horrible disease. He’s a peddler of the worst kind of crap I’ve had the misfortune to read.. oh yes, I’ve read his bunkum. It is just another religion that people run to for answers and instead of taking what works, and throwing out what does not (like we encourage you to do on this site), and understanding what they’ve read, they just spew out soundbites in the vain hope that fluff, glitter and whimpering spinelessness will solve their problems. “I’m good now!” cringe, cringe, “Universe give me $1,000,000!”
Killing the ego, in my mind, is as wrong as cutting off any well-functioning body part. It is just stupid. It makes a mockery of some really good New Age practices, and twists the original intent of a new age of love and peace into something that teaches us to be mindless automatons. The above quote from the enlightened doofus is the sort of stuff that is vomited verbatim from Tolle-followers.
The ego is the interface by which we experience life, and how we know what we want more of, and what we want less of. It’s how we express ourselves as people. Take away the ego and you lose wonderful diversity, and instead replace is with a block of tasteless, unremarkable plankton. Nice. If ego-death happens naturally as we shuffle off the mortal coil then what the HELL is to be achieved by murdering it now? Why not just… enjoy life?
Our very own Palehorse, and Mr Pavlina both have excellent blog posts on the subject of Ego, which make their arguments far more eloquently and completey than I ever could. Kudos guys! I’d also recommend a re-read of Palehorse’s excellent article “10 Reasons I’m not a Lightworker” which describes some of the bad side of being “good”.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m into love, freedom, wisdom and understanding.. just not at the expense of myself, or my family. I’ll help you, if you show willing to help yourself. Sure, we all need a hand up from time to time. We all need to to lean on someone. We all make mistakes and need the slate wiped clean. Just… know the difference between a problem to work together on and overcome, and something that is gonna be a never-ending thorn in your side.
Sometimes the best way to help other people is to let them go… and the best way to help yourself is to say “No.” You regain your personal power by taking the initiative to end an unhealthy relationship. By never being willing to cut anyone from your life you are handing your own power over to them. By being a slave to guilt, you do the same.
People come into our lives for a day, for a season, or for years. We can learn from their departure as much as from their presence. “What if?” Is a path that you’ll never be able to fully explore, and guilting yourself with it will drive you mad. Why live your life in a constant state of second-guessing and questioning your actions? Trust yourself! Maybe that lack of self-trust is reflected in the actions of others. As we say here at Beyond Within.. “Change yourself..change your world”!
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“Saying “I’m done with you” once can be more effective than having to say “I forgive you” a dozen more times.”
“Forgiving another either gives them a second chance, or enables them to continue their bad behaviour. After several kiss and make-ups, or gentleman’s handshakes, if you are still not seeing real change, ask yourself why. Are you forgiving or validating that person? This life is your journey, remember that.. and do not feel guilty for making a hard choice if it ultimately is the best way for you to grow. You are not here to carry anyone else through the entirety of their life.”
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Definitely have to agree with these sentiments. This is a HUGELY important topic that affects people universally. Although actually…..I tend to think it may affect westerners more than people in other parts of the world, only because the modern westernized nation lifestyle is breeding more and more people with some serious psychological issues. (imo. others are free to disagree.) Narcissism, borderline personality disorder, sociopathy, etc. But everything I’ve read about how people are in other countries/cultures leads me to realize that something is seriously wrong in the U.S., Canada, and most parts of Europe, and we may have more of an issue with toxic, abusive, crazy and unredeemable people that need to be booted to the curb than certain other cultures and countries.
I’ve experienced this in my own way though – toxic, abusive,(physically, verbally, mentally) mom who I walked away from at the young age of 19, and never looked back. Again, something that is sometimes unheard of in certain other cultures and countries, because they again aren’t breeding crazy people like our culture is. There’s something very wrong here in America, and other related westernized nations. But anyway, after I initially left home the first time, after years of her craziness, I did actually give her that second chance and let her back in, tried to make it work. She blew it, again, with more of her craziness and abusive behavior. Being a legal adult who was on my own did nothing to curb her behavior towards me, it was like I had never left home. In fact, it seemed to make her *more* crazy towards me. !!!! I could clearly see the writing on the wall even at 19 – nothing will ever change here, she’s mentally unstable, and it’s gotten worse and worse as the years have worn on – so, I bailed out. I needed my own life and needed to make my own way, and not have this parasite attached to me playing abusive games with me for the rest of my life, treating me like a 3 year old, holding me down. Buh bye!
I’ve come to realize that recognizing the situation for what it was, even at 19, and running for the hills without a second thought (ie, having a strong sense of self and ability to take care of myself without parents) most likely came from having been around the reincarnation block one too many times.
You go around enough times and eventually your has to soul figure some things out. And so when it encouters certain situations the next go around it already knows, and has no hesitation in what needs to be done. I think many of these passive people who don’t know how to stand up for themselves and say no, or who aren’t willing to let somebody go just haven’t had that soul experience yet. They haven’t learned that lesson. When they finally get the experience they’ll know, and maybe during their next go round things will be easier for them. Obviously I must have gotten mine at some point, which is why this time I knew what needed to be done straight away and just did it. But I’m sure I learned that lesson the hard way, by not doing it, then reflecting back after death with a “woulda coulda shoulda” mindset. “Psssssh….next time, I’ll never tolerate something like that again!!” And I didn’t. Parasites be gone! ;D
Thanks Cassie. I totally relate, I had to cut my mother out for similar reasons. I really don’t get people who keep taking shit from family, when they wouldn’t from someone who wasn’t blood x
i can completely relate to this article. my mom was mentally/emotionally abusive and fucking insane, she would snap all the time. no love, made things difficult. i would skip school and research the ‘true reality/conspiracy’ side of the world. we’d get into more fights, as i was the golden scholarship bound student, that didnt happen.
at 16 she left, i moved with my brother and father in a new town. i was into the new agey religious crap for a while, and got walked over, with repressed anger lingering all the time, thinking i had to love my abusers.
i got into fights with my twin bro, he left. my dad wanted to go back to his ex-wife, so would pick fights with me looking for reasons to leave. i kept all the rage in, trying to be spiritual and ‘good’, then i snapped.
i was 18, last year, on the full moon, i punched my dad about ten times in the face- id never punched someone before. the next morning i walked home to apologize and found a four-leaf clover. when i got in the apartment he was gone, for good.
ive been even more independent and mature since being on my own.
last couple weeks, an old ‘friend’ started hanging out at my place after a money incident a year ago. he ripped me off. i let him stay at my place for a fort night and found he kept stealing money from me.
which leads me to think about abusive relationships and why we feel guilty. it is important to stand up and assert yourself. anger can be a gift, but you must direct it carefully. next time i see my poor homeless friend who stole from me, i wont be so compassionate, and feel guilty… ill tell him to fuck right off.
nice article btw