A facebook friend recently asked for suggestions for a personalised number plate. Having narrowed it down to half-a-dozen choices, he pointed out his favourite and a few “possibles”. Cue OUTRAGE!

Most people took offence to VI0L80R for various reasons; that it didn’t fit with their idea of who he is; that it “unnerved them”; that it was “triggering” because they’d been beaten, raped or almost-raped, force-fed meat or murdered yesterday, in a previous incarnation, by association or in a dream. This led to various forms of passive aggressive wheedling and promoting of another choice because it was “cuter”, “fun” and various other words hinting at sugar-y.

I’ve noticed the same thing on a forum I moderate. In the beginning, I took much flack and whining about my name (Gehenna) because of other people’s ignorance to anything other that the King James Bible. I used the name Eris briefly and they all patted me on the head and expressed happiness that I’d chosen a handle that fit in much better with their fwuffy world ..because fiery purification is much, much worse than the Goddess of Discord

I enjoy a darker aesthetic than most. I’m not afraid to explore “scary” themes through music, film and personal style. It’s a healthy outlet for a facet of my character that we *all* have in common. It doesn’t make me a Satanist, Snake-oil Peddler, Darkworker or any of the hundred other things I’ve been accused of. Repressing things causes problems that end up being expressed anyway, often in uncontrolled and dangerous ways.

The VI0L80R number plate encompassed several different cultural references my friend resonates with. References to rape and abuse *originated* with the commenters. They projected their experiences and connections onto the number plate. They *chose* to become offended after dredging up an unpleasant meaning to link said plate to. They took offence.

Stop right there!! If a word makes you feel bad, ask yourself WHY? Are YOU in control of your life, or are you bouncing around aimlessly? There are a million and one things out there that people get wound up and indignant about, and those million and one things will rule your life if you let them!

Every time you get all worked up about something you cannot control, you are handing over your power. You are saying that someone, or something outside of you can dictate how YOU feel. With all those million and one bugbears passing through your sphere, you’re in for a long time of feeling powerless.

I am not here to please you, and nor is anyone else. YOU are here to please you

In reply to the number plate thread, I said: “I’d go for VIOL8OR if it resonates. Other people’s issues are theirs to deal with. Why moderate your cultural references for people..? You’d end up having to change everything that pisses people off. There is always gonna be someone who finds stuff offensive. Hell, people are offended by Xmas, fairies and fucking unicorns!(I am offended by unicorns).

Surely fixing yourself, and dealing with your triggers is easier than expecting the whole world to change for you? Because in a world of nearly 7 billion people, there are gonna be sites, situations and people that are a LOT less sensitive than Steve. I say this as someone who has dealt with trauma; I am not sitting in an ivory castle.. but ultimately there is only one person who is responsible for the offence we take, the hurt we feel and the reactions we have and that is OURSELVES.”

Take back your personal power! Don’t allow anyone else to dictate how you feel. We are sovereign beings who’s only true control is over ourselves. Trying to change other people is a waste of time and doesn’t work. If you find another’s aesthetic distasteful then figure out what it sets off within you, and understand yourself that bit better.

We make conscious choices about who we interact with, but at the same time take note: Avoiding every possible “triggering” situation will make your world smaller and smaller. True power over one self, true self-mastery, is to fear nothing and no one! Go get ‘em, Tiger!

–Gehenna

Related posts:

1. Enlightenment, Salvation and the Rejection of Power (Part 3)
2. Be Proud of Who You Are
3. It's Okay to Feel Bad!

Are you ashamed of something.. your financial situation, weight, an illness or disability? How many of you lie to others about those things, or act self-effacing when they come up in conversation? Do you put yourself down because you want to get the jabs in before someone else does?

Why do you feel this way?

There is a lot of hatred and venom aimed people on welfare, at the overweight, at smokers, the mentally ill ..the list is endless. Someone is always hating on someone else, and it is usually because they are “told” to by popular opinion. (That, and fear that they will catch “gay-”, “illegal-”, “goth-” or “pro-choicer-” disease.)

So, where does popular opinion come from? Why from YOU! Popular opinion is the sum “vibe” from all of us. That’s right.. it is your fault again

If you identify with a stigmatised group; if you feel ashamed because of your circumstances or problem then you are fuelling the bad feeling, adding to the hurt other people feel, and increasing the divide… and around we go.

Do you have friends in similar situations to your own? By bad-mouthing yourself, you are insulting them. You may say that you don’t look down on other people, but some part of you must do, to treat yourself in such a shoddy manner.

All the nastiness that comes across in popular opinion (Rawr!! shoot all welfare people!!) starts with us, as individuals. Now, you could say that “I am ashamed because all the papers say….”, but that shows your primary concern is what other people (who haven’t even met YOU) think.

Why are you handing over your power to faceless strangers? Take back control; don’t let those idiots with their ill-informed, media-roused rubbishy sound bites, make you feel less of a person. You are so much more than just the one small part of your life! Let everything you are shine through. Be proud!

We ALL, every single damn one of us, make mistakes. “There but for the grace of God..” and all that. If someone judges you unfavourably because of something you can’t help right this second, then boot them from your life; don’t waste time trying to please an asshole.

Putting an end to intolerance and stigma starts with the individual. Show the same acceptance and love to yourself that you extend to other people. Deal with your own fear, hate and embarrassment.

If you seriously believe all the bullshit you read in the news about how immigrants, single moms and aliens from Jupiter are stealing your tax dollars, seek help.

We all seek to live in a loving world, so do your bit. To quote ourselves here at Beyond within ad nauseum -”Change yourself, change your world”

–Gehenna

Related posts:

1. The Danger of Pop New Age Doormat Syndrome
2. To Take Offence Is To Give Away Your Power
3. It's Okay to Feel Bad!

With so many spiritual websites out there emphasising positivity, it is no wonder so many of us feel like we have failed at life when we wake up feeling less than love-and-light-y.

For those practising the “Law of Attraction” there are dire warnings against negativity, and thus manifesting what you do not want.

Of course, feeling good is important ..but for it’s own sake first and foremost. Changing your life circumstances is the long-term goal, but it should be remembered that happiness comes from within.. your circumstances are the symptom, not the cure.

In my experience, it doesn’t help to plaster on a smiley face and repress your problems.. they are still playing out internally and causing you pain.

Crappy emotions are a sign something is wrong, much like pain indicates an injury to your body. As you would salve your wounds, so you need to address the issues which are causing you emotional pain.

I find that giving the negative emotions a voice; allowing them expression, is cathartic and doesn’t scupper your long-term goals of improving your vibration. To indulge the odd day of unhappiness is to release it from your experience. We are so afraid to be human, and we really shouldn’t be. To deny a part of ourselves only makes it more determined to show up, and play out in a way you have no say in.

If you wake up and feel overwhelmed by sadness, jealousy or anything else that makes you feel less than smiley, try one of these techniques:

Play some music which reflects the emotions you are experiencing.
Draw or doodle your thoughts.
Cry and scream, or punch pillows.

..but most of all, do not beat yourself up for being human!

By practising these techniques you’ll soon realise how much energy it takes to feel bad.. and you’ll learn that letting off steam regularly is healthier for you than bottling it up.

Raising your vibration isn’t about having an unbroken string of joyful and abundant days.. it’s about loving yourself, warts and all

Originally written for, and published in EarthSpirit Tarot’s newsletter.

–Gehenna

Related posts:

1. How to Heal a Dark Night of the Soul
2. The Danger of Pop New Age Doormat Syndrome
3. Soul Fragmentation Explained (Part 1)

Whatever religion, creed or path you follow, a “dark night of the soul” is inevitable. There is no such thing as an unshakeable belief. Life happens in all it’s glory.. the highest highs, and deepest lows, and sometimes when we turn to our higher power for answers, none are forthcoming. None that we like, anyway

It may feel as though you have been abandoned in your time of need. You question everything, and you feel stupid for believing in something greater than yourself.

So, how can you re-ignite your faith when you feel so let down? There is no easy answer.. but here’s my 2 cents:

Think of yourself as the child, and your belief system as the parent. Now think on what “guidance” means.. and what it is not.

As a parent, I am tasked with guiding my children. I support them as they grow and learn, and I’m there to fix the bloody knees and runny noses. As they get older, I take a step back. I’ve given them the knowledge and tools to make their own way in life, and to fight their own battles. I’m still there to dispense love and comfort, and a offer a listening ear.

Sure, I could wave the magic mummy wand and step in to a playground disagreement, and in later years pay off the overdraft or have words with the mean scary boss.. and don’t those scenarios look ever more controlling and unhealthy?

To quote from the popular movie Deep Impact; God hears all prayers, even if the answer is sometimes “No”. Every parent says “no” to their child at some stage, for good reason. Material support might not be an option, but they can always offer emotional support.

As your creator, your higher power gave you life and free will. You were born to experience life, to grow, love, learn and achieve. Your higher help is still there, cheering you on through hard times, willing you to make it over the obstacles so that you can know the joy of a victory well-earned. Maybe you have shut out that voice in your anger and frustration?

Do not let hurt and pain blind you to all those times that your “parent” stepped in and gave you a helping hand. Life has many lessons, and the point of them isn’t often clear until some time later.

It is in our darkest hour that we need to use the faith, tools and lessons of easier times. Open your heart, mind and intuition ..in the midst of chaos you will find calm, strength, endurance ..and you will know that you are not alone.

Originally written for, and published in EarthSpirit Tarot’s newsletter.

–Gehenna

Related posts:

1. Soul Fragmentation Explained (Part 1)
2. Three Rules Governing Soul Fragmentation (Part 2)
3. It's Okay to Feel Bad!

Popular self-help guru Steve Pavlina often pops snippets of wisdom on his facebook page, which are often controversial ..but hey, if it touches a nerve, it’s made you think ..at least that is the idea right? Sadly “thinking” is a concept alien to some Seekers, as you’ll find out during the course of this rant blog.

This recent Steve-ism caught my eye: “Saying “I’m done with you” once can be more effective than having to say “I forgive you” a dozen more times.” This is something that I’m definitely with Steve on, and I have written often on ending abusive or other unhealthy relationships, and the importance of not become a martyr.

Forgiveness is a process that I see as meaning you will no longer pay the emotional price for the actions of another; you’ll no longer take responsibility for that person, and you accept the part you played in everything. In some cases it is easy to forgive and continue to enjoy that person’s role in your experience. Sometimes, taking responsibility means no longer allowing that person in your life.

Forgiving another either gives them a second chance, or enables them to continue their bad behaviour. After several kiss and make-ups, or gentleman’s handshakes, if you are still not seeing real change, ask yourself why. Are you forgiving or validating that person? This life is your journey, remember that.. and do not feel guilty for making a hard choice if it ultimately is the best way for you to grow. You are not here to carry anyone else through the entirety of their life.

As anyone on the meta-scene knows, there are “conscious” people… and then there are the “Enlightened” (insert sarcastic quote-y finger gesture). The conscious make an effort to live courageously; aware and responsible for their actions and their own lives and circumstances. Conscious living can be hard at times, as one has to face some pretty uncomfortable truths about oneself.

The “Enlightened”? Whew… in a nutshell, these are the holier-than-thou, sanctimonious, Tolle-fodder spewers. (Now say that ten times ) Original thought? Na-uh.. If it doesn’t come from someone who advocates ego-death, putting others before oneself, destroying one’s possessions and turning the proverbial cheek, they don’t wanna know. They parrot the whole “New Age Doormat” waffle like a mantra, as if love, light and blind trust will save their home, wife and kids from the machete-wielding robber/rapists that just broke down the door.

Here is a post I shared with friends after reading this reply on Steve’s “I’m done with you” thread:
……………………………………………………………………………………………..

“Some ponce-y glitter-monger: “Should we really throw someone out just because logic permits it? People can change. They might not really want to change their harmful actions now, but maybe in the future they will become more intelligent… For the time being we certainly don’t have to put effort into establishing a connection with those who hurt us, but if we actively get rid of them forever, aren’t we just telling the universe that things we also are capable of make us reject-able as people too? I propose that we trust everyone as much as we safely can. For some people this won’t be much, but I bet if we look hard enough there will always be some common ground. I don’t know about you, but for me I find that if I reject someone completely, I have to constantly justify it to myself and it still seems suboptimal. It also is a loss for me too because then I can no longer learn from the person I have rejected.”

Me:”ffs, what a twat. If you go to a buffet and you know caviare makes you shit runny green water, do you really need to keep tasting it to be “fair to the caviare” and “learn from it”, or do you go, no, I choose to not experience the caviare, bring me some fried mushroom

what a friggin idiot, fucking enlightened Doofus!”

..and now some replies from friends of mine:

“Totally agree with you..hope people don’t take his advice…particularly people in abusive relationships…it’s just dreadful.” -SF

“I bet he has guilt-wanks, srsly, it must be guilt, guilt all the time. fucking holy hell.”-Me again

”New Age= let your demons fester and thrive in the silence of your denial, open yourself up to be completely trodden on (for experience of course), and only wear clothes you think Ashtar would approve of.”-SM

”That is just way wrong. Sometimes you get people in your life that are just so toxic that the only way to free yourself from their damaging energy and actions is to totally cut ties! This ignoramus is just enabling people who won’t let go off a bad relationship they NEED to get out of and away from.”-SMcB

“Fuck light workers, Im off to eat kittens with georgie.”-SM

…………………………………………………………………………..

This is a dangerous bit of advice to give to someone in a bad relationship. It encourages the guilt and lack of self-worth that they are already wrestling with, and it tells them they are wrong if they don’t say “enough”. The Pop-New-Age denial, pretence and martyrdom mindset is about glossing over and hiding real problems.. problems that can be fixed by living consciously. Facing your demons in cold, stark truth, allows you to grow, thrive and learn about yourself, far, far more than keeping an asshole around in the hope that they might change.

Your duty is to yourself, no other. You can only support someone while they do the work they need to do. Thinking you can change another is a fallacy of co-dependence. Right up there along with the thinking that sacrificing yourself makes you a better person and that you are somehow needed. I choose to be with someone who wants me and it is much nicer than being needed, I assure you

The “Enlightened” have chosen a label that they try to make fit. It is somehow noble to be “Enlightened”, a paragon of virtue and goodness far, far removed from any sense of what it means to be human. They practise a “speak/hear/see no evil” mindset which is blind to reality. If your goal is to play your part in bringing a better world for everyone, then surely being in no doubt as to what needs changing would be a good idea? Ya think? Where do the “Enlightened” get these ostrich/masochist ideas from?

Why, that’d be Eckhart Tolle again.. he’s Oprah Winfrey’s “man of the hour”. His influence spreads like a horrible, horrible disease. He’s a peddler of the worst kind of crap I’ve had the misfortune to read.. oh yes, I’ve read his bunkum. It is just another religion that people run to for answers and instead of taking what works, and throwing out what does not (like we encourage you to do on this site), and understanding what they’ve read, they just spew out soundbites in the vain hope that fluff, glitter and whimpering spinelessness will solve their problems. “I’m good now!” cringe, cringe, “Universe give me $1,000,000!”

Killing the ego, in my mind, is as wrong as cutting off any well-functioning body part. It is just stupid. It makes a mockery of some really good New Age practices, and twists the original intent of a new age of love and peace into something that teaches us to be mindless automatons. The above quote from the enlightened doofus is the sort of stuff that is vomited verbatim from Tolle-followers.

The ego is the interface by which we experience life, and how we know what we want more of, and what we want less of. It’s how we express ourselves as people. Take away the ego and you lose wonderful diversity, and instead replace is with a block of tasteless, unremarkable plankton. Nice. If ego-death happens naturally as we shuffle off the mortal coil then what the HELL is to be achieved by murdering it now? Why not just… enjoy life?

Our very own Palehorse, and Mr Pavlina both have excellent blog posts on the subject of Ego, which make their arguments far more eloquently and completey than I ever could. Kudos guys! I’d also recommend a re-read of Palehorse’s excellent article “10 Reasons I’m not a Lightworker” which describes some of the bad side of being “good”.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m into love, freedom, wisdom and understanding.. just not at the expense of myself, or my family. I’ll help you, if you show willing to help yourself. Sure, we all need a hand up from time to time. We all need to to lean on someone. We all make mistakes and need the slate wiped clean. Just… know the difference between a problem to work together on and overcome, and something that is gonna be a never-ending thorn in your side.

Sometimes the best way to help other people is to let them go… and the best way to help yourself is to say “No.” You regain your personal power by taking the initiative to end an unhealthy relationship. By never being willing to cut anyone from your life you are handing your own power over to them. By being a slave to guilt, you do the same.

People come into our lives for a day, for a season, or for years. We can learn from their departure as much as from their presence. “What if?” Is a path that you’ll never be able to fully explore, and guilting yourself with it will drive you mad. Why live your life in a constant state of second-guessing and questioning your actions? Trust yourself! Maybe that lack of self-trust is reflected in the actions of others. As we say here at Beyond Within.. “Change yourself..change your world”!

Related posts:

1. Be Proud of Who You Are
2. It's Okay to Feel Bad!
3. Read the FAQ!

Gangstalking, for those unaware of the phenomenon, is a term for situations where a targetted individual is being harrassed over the long term in an organized way. Some cases of gangstalking exhibit elements of negative interference from a non-human source, in that things can happen that can’t be accounted for by regular people acting on their own, no matter how well organized they are. A common scenario is for the targetted individual to be going about their business in public, and be harassed by random people on the street. This is not “normal” harassment however – many targetted individuals have noted that the harassers will be going about their own business as usual, when a very noticeable mask-like change comes over them within seconds. Formerly cheerful seeming individuals suddenly appear unnaturally hateful and angry, and then begin hurling abuse. The abuse itself is interesting in that it will seem specifically tailored to the target’s vulnerabilities for maximum emotional impact – and many times it will go as far as the exact same words being used by completely different and equally random people, in different situations, on different days. My personal experience has been more of the “negative interference” than the “organized human” sort.

Needless to say, gangstalking phenomena can take things like social anxiety to a whole new level. In overcoming this obstacle, first of all I cannot stress enough how much of a difference the simple exercises of grounding and shielding make. I’m highly empathic so crowds, shopping and public transport are major issues for me. Shielding blocks out nearly all of the “babble” and assault on my sensing that I’d get hit with when in large groups of random people, although I’m still alerted to approaching trouble, such as groups of intimidating yobs. Grounding techniques help me when I feel overwhelmed, a common ADD symptom. I also wear an ametrine crystal to help with this.

This still didn’t solve the problems with Random Nasty Bastards. These gangstalking episodes would come literally out of the blue, with perpetrators going out of their way to screw up my day. I expect a few comments; everyone gets unwanted attention at some point, as they walk past a drunk, or gang of builders for example. What I got was far beyond that, to the point where attacks were obviously timed and scripted. I came up with an approach to dealing with the anxiety I felt, while putting a stop to obviously neg-influenced incidents.

Taking my inspiration from “The Secret” aka The Law of Attraction, I make a series of affirmations and visualise positive experiences while I’m getting ready to go out.

“This is my life, and every encounter in it is for my benefit.”
“My sphere of influence contains decent people.”
“I/we will have a pleasant walk.”

I get into a good frame of mind before I leave, reasoning I’ll attract good things If I’m not in War Mode. Breathing exercises control my increasingly rare panic attacks, as does grounding the nervous energy.

If I sense an obvious troublemaker is approaching I try to feel pity for them, and their obviously unfulfilling life, rather than getting tense and angry. I walk with confidence and project attitude rather than shield defensively. This works well, and where I’d previously get threats or abuse, they now hurry past sheepishly. Where I’d once felt intimidated I now feel empowered. Groups of mouthy teenagers are now more jokes than jerks.

Much of what we attract in any given day is down to ourselves. There will always be incidents that are beyond your control, but you are still responsible for how those incidents affect you. In cases of intentional harassment, your emotional response is often the key to determining whether it happens again. A victim mentality only attracts victimization, but when we stand up to the bullies in our lives, we take back our personal power.

Further reading on the gangstalking phenomenon:
Gangstalking and Hyperdimensional Matrix Attacks
Gangstalking Journal

–Gehenna

Related posts:

1. Conquer Your Fear #2: Squash Social Anxiety
2. Negative Entities 101: Introduction and Types of Entities
3. Negative Entities 101: Who Is Targetted?

Next to social anxiety, fear of change, the unknown and attachment to “security” are the other biggest obstacles to truly living. This idea of security can be a powerful influence. We often prefer what’s familiar, even if it’s not in our best interest. The toxic relationship. The job you can’t stand. The “comfortable” life devoid of risk when you know you have the potential to be more. You know when you’re in this sort of situation, because you can feel it; your discomfort is your spirit longing to express itself more fully. Ultimately, the only true source of security is within — it’s a state of mind that you can achieve now, regardless of your external circumstances.

Life is perverse in the sense that, the more you seek security, the less of it you have. But the more you seek opportunity, the more likely it is that you will achieve the security that you desire.
–Brian Tracy, as quoted by John Clark

The fear of uncertainty is perfectly natural – but the truth is that security is an illusion; change and uncertainty are two of life’s constants. Resisting change only leads to stagnation and stunts our growth. But something I also learned from experience is that when you start making moves toward your passion and your highest good, reflecting more of your true self, the universe will respond by opening up new paths to allow you to keep going.

Life Lessons from a Supervillian

A wise friend once explained to me that the universe never wastes energy – it’s not going to lay a bunch of options in front of you that you may or may not overcome your fear enough to move toward. So, get to steppin’, and then you’ll start to see new opportunities. For some reason this explanation gave me the mental picture of Magneto in one of the X-Men movies. If you’ve never seen them, Magneto is able to control metal, and there’s a scene where he steps out into empty space and pieces of scrap metal are forming a walkway under him as he goes. This was a powerful image for me (hey, whatever works, right? ) — step out in faith and you’ll find yourself on your path. Even if it looks like there IS no way possible – I urge you to just start moving. If you don’t know what to do or don’t have any sense of direction, just do something different from what you’ve been doing, and if you don’t like the results of that, do something else. Don’t wait either – start moving today, even if you only take a baby step. You’ll start taking bigger steps once you reinforce your confidence, but you have to start somewhere or you’ll never start at all. If you’re thinking you have too many commitments and attachments and “responsibilities” to think about moving in a different direction, that just means your first steps need to be toward releasing some of them. If you’re not completely happy with your life as it stands now, and not living out your passion, then you owe it to yourself to try something new (and if you are, hell, write me a guest post and tell us how you got there. Heheh. )

Testing (or Being Tested By) My Philosophy

Once I realize something, like change, is a given, I tend to embrace it and do whatever I can to turn it into an asset rather than an adversary. I’ve found that this approach is great for reducing resistance and stress in my life. In keeping with my previous post about “arranging the playing field on your own terms,” after finally ending a mutually unhealthy relationship, I confronted many of my fears about change, security and social situations… by going on vacation.

My wacky adventure started when a long time online friend from Delaware invited me to head over for a visit. When I mentioned this in my personal blog though, I was suddenly inundated with demands to “visit me too!” Long story short, this evolved into an epic hippie-trek down most of the east coast. At the time this was a big step out of my comfort zone – I had a lot of anxiety surrounding things like being out of my element, meeting new people, having to be social for extended periods, getting lost and generally not feeling like my circumstances are under my control. As such I kind of knew this was going to be more than a regular vacation, and I was deliberately using it as an opportunity to confront a lot of stuff at once. But by this time I had been taking deliberate (though smaller) steps out of my comfort zone for a while, often just to see what would happen.

In the weeks leading up to it, and during the trip itself, I was definitely tested. Everything about it from the order of the visits to the actual people I’d be visiting kept changing as people dropped in and out of the arrangements, and the whole thing looked to be on the verge of falling apart several times. The day before I was supposed to leave I even discovered someone had yoinked my suitcase for their own vacation, thinking it was theirs, and at that point I couldn’t afford a new one. To say I was getting tense is an understatement; I was frequently worrying about what I had gotten myself into, even thinking I was probably a bit nuts for agreeing to all this (luckily for me my sanity has often been the subject of debate ). But every time something changed, I made it a point to remain calm and kept reaffirming that everything would go perfectly, exactly as it needed to. Right before I left I happened to hear from my mom that she had been out and stumbled upon a suitcase even better than my old one that was being sold at a fraction of the regular cost because of some small cosmetic defect. I took it as a good omen.

The testing didn’t end once the trip began, either. It started out with security taking too long and my gate being changed after my layover… resulting in me running across Phoenix airport with my belt and boots in one hand, holding up my pants with the other, and getting let onto the already closed plane by amused employees, which is a lot funnier now than it was at the time. I did get completely lost in the baffling labyrinth that is Penn Station in NY… and then managed to find and board my train at 1:33 that left at 1:35. There was another day when I had an all day train ride across several states into PA, but still hadn’t heard from the next person to know whether I had a place to sleep that night.

But you know what? By the time all was said and done, the whole thing went off even better than anything I could’ve planned myself. Nothing went so wrong as to be a serious problem, I had a great time, and came back with a lot of good stories. I attribute this to the fact that I surrendered my concept of security and trusted that things would turn out fine. The whole experience had a profound impact on my philosophy and approach; even the course of my life itself. Years after the fact, I also see that trip as “training” — without that, I’m not sure I would have been able to suddenly pick up and move over to the UK, when the opportunity presented itself within a span of a few months. But it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, and I’m still getting confirmations along this crazy journey that I’m continuously moving toward fulfilling what I came here for: my soul’s full self-expression.

Now it’s your turn: what did you do today to move toward your highest good?

–Palehorse

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Related posts:

1. Conquer Your Fear #2: Squash Social Anxiety
2. Conquer Your Fear #1: Create Your Own Life Lessons
3. Change the Self, Everything Changes

Earlier in my life, I could’ve been a poster-child for social anxiety. My self esteem was a general disaster area. I was awkward meeting new people. I had a hard time looking people in the eye. If a random person unexpectedly stopped me to talk, my first response would be to feel defensive. And don’t get me started on trying to approach women… yeesh.

At some point in our lives we have all experienced social anxiety in one form or another. When surveys are conducted, it ranks near the top every time, even above the fear of death! As I said in my last post, fear that aids in survival can be healthy; fear of things that aren’t directly threatening to our survival, not so much. Social interaction never killed anybody, and people are naturally social animals. Obviously finding a way to eliminate these fears is in our best interest.

So why are we so afraid of each other?

That’s a damn good question; glad you asked. Social anxiety stems from two mistaken beliefs, held either consciously or subconsciously.

1. “My worth is determined externally, by what other people think of me.”
2. “Other people are more important than I am.”

Fortunately I can scientifically prove that both of those are false; no matter who you are. Using quantum physics no less. Don’t run off screaming; I promise it won’t make your head explode! Check this out:

Question1: What are you made of? (Correct answer: “Particles and empty space.”)
Question 2: What am I made of? (Correct answer: “Particles and empty space.”)
Question 3: What separates us? (I’ll give ya three guesses and the first two don’t count. Yep: “Particles and empty space.”)

Call me a geek (and you’d be right) but reflecting on this truth was one of the major shifts in thinking that eliminated my fear of other people. And it’s the same thing mystics of all major traditions have been saying for centuries: we are all interconnected, and the different between “me” and “you” is hazy at best. We all have a role to play, from the president, to the beautiful woman you want to get to know, to you and I; but “importance” and “authority” are both illusions that we project on other people. When you realize on every level that your self worth is inherent and comes from within, that you’re about as important as you believe yourself to be, and that other people’s opinion and response to you is largely influenced by how you see yourself, you will be the one projecting an air of authority and importance. It then becomes possible to use even your own self image as a tool to start creating your ideal social experience. Let’s look at some specific situations though, and what can be done to make them feel more natural.

Fear of Social Situations

Once you’ve done the internal work to improve your self image to reflect the response you’d like to get from others, the best advice I can give is to practice, practice, practice. If you still have anxiety, acknowledge that but do it anyway. It helps to keep in mind that there’s a good chance the other person whose opinion you’re concerned about might be just as worried about what you think of them! Or that they used to be, if they’ve already done the work to move past their own social anxiety. In any case I’m not going to go too much into how to build good social skills in this post because I’m mostly concerned with achieving the ideal state of mind first; besides that topic has been covered on a million other sites, and books.

One thing I do recommend is doing some thinking on what your comfort zone is, and then deliberately taking small steps outside it. Use the every-day encounters that you probably have to do anyway for practice. I found people that I encountered on regular errands or otherwise had to buy something from, to be good practice for two reasons. First, being pleasant is probably part of their job, so you’re basically guaranteed a good reaction. Secondly, all too often people like the mailman, the bank teller, the waitress, aren’t acknowledged on a more personal human level – so when you do, their reaction will probably be genuine. In any case, the positive interaction will reinforce to your subconscious that you can interact confidently and get a positive response. So, when you’re going about your day, make it a point to look that person in the eye, smile and tell ‘em to have a good one.

A lot has been said about how the online world is no substitute for social interaction in person, which is true, but kept in its proper perspective it too can be used as a tool for overcoming social anxiety. When I was restructuring my self image and way of relating to others, you might say I beta-tested a lot of my ideas and ways of communicating online in order to see how other people reacted to different things. On the internet we can be whoever we want, so it’s a good place to experiment with minimal risk. It was also useful for developing my interests, finding new ones and getting more comfortable expressing my thoughts, beliefs and opinions to other people. At some point though, you’re going to have to take what you’ve learned out in the real world in order to continue growing.

For those who are feeling a bit bolder, I recommend taking the experimentation out into the real world. After all, there’s no better way to overcome a fear of making an ass of yourself… than by making an ass of yourself! This ties into what I said yesterday about setting up the playing field on your own terms. This can be a lot of fun – get together with an equally adventurous friend, go someplace away from where you live where nobody knows you, and deliberately do things that are out of character. Go out wearing something ridiculous. Make up a joke survey and see if you can get people to take it. Go up to the first ten people you see, tell them you’re from the planet Zexpar, your ship has crashed and you’re wondering if they have a spare fluxulator. No, seriously. The idea is of course to set things up so that you can drop your inhibitions in a safe way, and in doing so, lose your attachment to what other people think. What do you have to lose except your fear? This exercise is limited only by your imagination and comfort level. Let’s keep it legal and ethical too, though [insert liability waiver here for my-arse-covering purposes].

Fear of the Opposite Sex

This is the other biggie for many people, and I’m no stranger to it. Most of what I have to say is of course from a male perspective, but hopefully my female readers can also extrapolate something for their own benefit.

For many guys, approaching women, especially really attractive ones, is nerve-wracking. It helped me a lot to think on why I found beautiful women intimidating. At some point I decided there was no reason I shouldn’t interact with whoever I want, and this fear was holding me back, so I started challenging it. The short of it was that after questioning all the usual assumptions, when I couldn’t come up with a good answer for why they should be intimidating, I stopped being intimidated. The longer version is that women, no matter how beautiful, are just regular people like me or anyone else, strengths, weaknesses, flaws, insecurities and all. So why should I give them any special treatment, whether in my own mind or in practice? Why is it up to me to impress a woman? If I’m to decide whether she’s someone I want to pursue spending more time with, isn’t it equally important for her to impress me? Just another few examples of how thinking outside the box and challenging disempowering beliefs can bring good results.

My idea above for deliberately going outside your comfort zone in a “safe” way applies here too – go out in public, pick a girl you find attractive but aren’t worried about ever seeing again if it goes badly; smile and say hi, or even start a conversation if you’re up for it. Don’t even plan on having anything more come of it; do it solely for the practice. For that matter, strip clubs (yes, seriously) could also be a good place to get used to talking to attractive women in a safe environment. Just see it as social practice and don’t read too much into it there, turbo; it’s what they’re paid for.

One last thing for now thats worked in my favor, oddly enough… is that I’m an equal opportunity heckler. Even when I was having a much harder time socially, I’ve always loved messing with people in a playful good natured way and pointing out the absurd wherever I find it… and nobody is safe, muahaha. It’s probably not for everybody, but if you can pull it off, it works extremely well on a lot of levels. Humor and laughter is the best cure for tension and anxiety for all involved. I’ve also found that when it’s done right and everyone’s having a good time, a bit of ribbing is disarming in a way that puts you in the “power position” of an interaction and causes people to see you as 1. fun and 2. someone they want to impress.

Now that I’ve gone through the ways I overcame my social anxiety, it’s your turn – what has worked well for you? Tell us about it!

–Palehorse

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Related posts:

1. Conquer Your Fear #1: Create Your Own Life Lessons
2. Conquer Your Fear #3: Embrace Change!
3. Overcoming Social Anxiety and Public Neg Interference

When we were still living in the wild tens of thousands of years ago (or ten minutes ago for you creationists out there ) fear alerted us to genuine threats to our survival, and flooded the body with adrenaline so we could more effectively fight or flee. Back then, it was an essential defense mechanism. Today, when that same response often shoots through us in response to situations that aren’t threatening to our survival, not so much. That kind of fear only holds us back; keeps us from taking risks that could very well pay off; from enjoying our full potential.

The universe itself is pushing us to overcome our fears, mainly in two ways. Much like our beliefs create our experiences, so too do fearful aspects of ourselves reflect themselves in our lives. In other words, at some point the universe is probably going to force you to face the subject of your fear in order to overcome it, though if you don’t, the fear will only be reinforced. The downside is that a stronger fear requires a more in-your-face display from the universe – meaning your experience will get increasingly harsh until you do something about it. This has to do with the way life lessons are taught.

Alternately, we insulate ourselves from our fears. We avoid situations where they might come into play, and it eventually starts to affect our quality of life. Again the universe is nudging us toward freedom from fear, because if this goes on long enough the aspect of your life that’s controlled by it will eventually become more unbearabe than the fear itself. This is the nature of the human spirit: it needs to be free, and one way or another, it will. So what should we do in light of this?

Beat the universe to the punch, and set up the playing field on your terms.

You recognize that you’re going to have to face the fear one way or another, so you deliberately set up a situation where you will confront it – but on your own terms, in a way that’s relatively low-risk and that you can even have fun with. Once you experience the good outcome, fear dimishes, courage is reinforced and you’re either free or well on your way. Gehenna recently set a good example of this when she acted on the insight from her early February reading.

Florence Scovel Shinn touches on this with the concept of “the lion on the path.” Once you confront the lion, more often than not it transforms into something either benign or beneficial before your eyes, or otherwise you find that there IS no lion and never was. By not only confronting the lion but scripting the encounter on your own terms, rather than waiting for it to find you, you empower yourself even further!

Examples of how I did this in my own life tie into my next post, where I’ll explore one of the two biggest sources of fear and how I conquered it.

Further Reading

The Urban Monk has written a very thourough and helpful article on Fear and Anxiety Cures from a more psychological perspective. I’ve been reading a lot of the material there lately, and he’s also the one who gave me the idea to start including a few external links in my posts, so he gets to be the first.

–Palehorse

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Related posts:

1. Conquer Your Fear #2: Squash Social Anxiety
2. Conquer Your Fear #3: Embrace Change!
3. A "Create Your Own" Reality-Check