Archive for February, 2008

Transcending Duality

In yesterday’s post I referred to the idea that there is only one power in the universe — and that power is ours by birthright. When I came to fully realize this, the implications were huge; it was one of the single greatest epiphanies that helped me empower my life. Lots of posts could (and probably will) be written on those implications alone. Today though, I’d like to explore some of the points that led me to reach this conclusion. That’s not to say I’m going to try and prove anything — this is something one either knows to be true, or knows to be untrue wink. But for those who are beginning to realize it, perhaps I can help prod you along; for those who already do, perhaps I can offer a perspective you haven’t considered before.

When Adam and Eve metaphorically “ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil,” they (we) succumbed to the illusion that there are two powers. But the dark, negative polarity is derivative; it has no independent existence. It is the absence of a thing, not a thing in itself. Like I said in the post You Are Your Own Authority, the dark, negative polarity has no inherent power. Its power is stolen; its authority an illusion perpetuated by those who believe in it, or are too fearful and apathetic to make a stand.

I recently referred to quantum physics to show that there’s not much separating “me” from “you” — we’re made of particles and empty space, and the only thing separating us is particles and empty space. Y’know what’s interesting about those particles that make up everything we perceive as ourselves and our world? Once you break things down to a certain level, those particles have no defining properties to differentiate any of them. In other words, the “stuff” that makes up our reality is all fundamentally the same. So how do we account for all the diversity we see before us?

Consciousness.

In order to live and experience in a cohesive environment, the collective consciousness has agreed, for instance, to perceive one arrangement of particles as “chair,” another as “tree” and so on. Likewise, the conscious observer within me interprets an act that increases the well being of myself and others “good” and an act that takes away another entity’s personal power and freedom as “evil.” On one hand, these are all just experiences; it takes the conscious observer to place value judgments on them. On another level though, it can be shown that much of what is considered “good” by most standards is the default; “evil” comes into existense by taking taking that thing away.

The difference between peace and violence is one example; peace exists until one entity raises its proverbial hand against another. Freedom exists on its own until another entity applies coercive force to put limits on another. Abundance is the universal norm: there is more than enough food, space and resources on earth to meet everyone’s needs several times over. Lack only entered the picture when we gave a small group of people the power to instill us with scarcity thinking, putting us in conflict with ourselves and each other, while taking most for themselves. There are many more examples, but you get the idea.

Mother Teresa understood this when she said “I was once asked why I don’t participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I’ll be there.” What is an anti-war rally but a group directing all its energy and focus toward the lack of peace? Since we get more of what we focus on, why not focus on things that work toward the highest good of all? When we focus our thoughts, words and actions on the highest good, we are operating in alignment with the universe itself, and we begin to live and perceive from the perspective of the divine consciousness within.

–Palehorse

The image used in this article is “Balance” © Shannon Hilson. Used with permission.

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Thoughts on Reincarnation


At a certain point in one’s spiritual development, the seeker usually begins to question the whole incarnative process. Why am I here? Why do we keep incarnating? Who or what makes us keep coming back? Do I have any say in the circumstances I’m born into? Do I have to come back again?

The gist of my thoughts on this as of now is that exercising more control over one’s incarnative experience is simply a matter of realizing that you can.

In the early stages of one’s incarnative cycle, this is pretty much an automatic process. Between lives, the soul is drawn into the first available situation that most closely matches whatever it is reflecting at the time. A single life lesson can be learned in any number of ways, from fun to harsh and even horrific, but unfortunately at this stage what one gets is largely up to the luck of the draw. Lifetimes are spent believing that experience is random; we’re stuck having to make the best of what happens to us, but don’t have much of a say in it.

When the soul begins the awakening process, it reclaims its ability to exercise more control over its experience. At this stage incarnations are planned out more consciously. Many sources refer to the assistance of guides and other entities in this process, though I can’t personally confirm or deny that aspect (yet?). These lifetimes are spent learning how the law of attraction, and other universal laws can be utilized to exercise increasing creative control over one’s experience. It becomes possible to be the teacher and the student, to create one’s own life lessons and then live them, whether between lives or during. In other words, the divine within is beginning to become self-aware, and exercise self expression.

Finally, the soul begins to question the cycle itself, and seeks liberation from having to reincarnate. I’ve been giving this subject a lot of thought — I may or may not want to come back next time around, but either way I want to know that the choice is mine to make. How does one get to this point?

The theme that keeps coming up for me is “personal responsibility.” When we take personal responsibility for all our thoughts, words, actions and experiences (that’s the toughie for most I would imagine), past and future; when we own all our incarnations, we are free to do with them as we will. If that means choosing to come back, or taking our experience somewhere else, then so be it. I don’t believe there is any “higher authority” with the inherent ability to force people to incarnate against their will. My post You Are Your Only Authority should give more insight on that side of it.

Thinking more on this I received this bit of inspiration that I’ve formulated as a logical argument.

Premise 1. There is only ONE power in the universe.
Premise 2. That power is part of me.
Premise 3. Divine power is persuasive, not coercive.
(Conversely: anything in the universe that operates via coercion is not aligned with divine power, and thus has no true authority.)

Conclusion: Nothing is forcing me to reincarnate, and if it has been, it was only because I (probably unknowingly) gave it the power to do so. I will be expanding on these premises more in the next posts.

That said, obviously I haven’t fully figured all this out yet, because I’m still here. At this point I’d like to open the floor to my readers: what do your thoughts and experiences have to say about all this? If your belief system doesn’t include reincarnation, that’s perfectly fine too. I have no interest in “proving” reincarnation; I’m simply speaking from where I’m at in my understanding at this time. :)

–Palehorse

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Linkage!

Around the end of every week, I’m going to devote a post to links and references to other blogs. This post will feature things I’ve been reading during the week that have helped me in various ways, as well as blogs that have helped me by featuring my material and generating traffic. Just another way to keep showin’ the loooove. So onward then!

Steve Pavlina – What would a blog like this be without a reference to the Grand Poobah of Productivity, Steve Pavlina? :P It was here that I was turned on to the possibility of blogging professionally, and much of what I’ve learned about doing so is from Steve’s posts. What could be better than getting paid to do something you love (and were already doing anyway), right? :D

Problogger – Through Steve’s blog I soon discovered Darren of Problogger. This is probably the best resource for monetizing a blog online; I highly recommend subscribing to anyone who wants to give this a shot.

The Abundance Highway – Using the law of attraction for health, wealth and well being. They recently featured my post on overcoming ADHD. Thanks, Abundance Highway!

Brain Blogger – Articles about the brain from a perspective that blends science and mysticism. Also recently featured my Overcoming ADHD post. Thanks Brain Blogger!

Mastery of Meditation – Great resource on zen and meditation. They recently featured my post Beliefs Create Experiences. Thanks guys!

–Palehorse

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"Ignore Button" Meditation for Life's Trolls



All instant messaging and email services have a function called the “ignore button.” If someone’s being abusive or just irritating, with the click of a button you can shut them out of your experience. Wouldn’t it be nice if we had something like this in real life?

Thanks to a technique I’ve developed and gotten a lot of good use out of, we do. It works well whether you want to shut a specific person out of your life, or you want to keep the person but want to shut out specific aspects of them that you don’t want any part of. Here are the two variations.

Your Life Is Your Castle

Get into a relaxed, meditative state. Picture yourself inside a large, stone castle fortress. This is to symbolize the self, and the fact that you are taking responsibility for who and what you will allow into your experience. In here, you’re safe — allow that feeling of security and confidence to build.

Picture the person in question at the gate. Outside is not only that person, but the universe in which you formerly associated with them — you’re leaving that universe, blocking off the entrance and crossing into a new one that they have no part in. Firmly tell them exactly why you’re doing what you intend to do. Explain why you can’t have that person in your life anymore. Say everything you would say to them in person (ideally you would do both, but sometimes this isn’t always practical, or even safe). Tell them that you refuse to allow them, their works and any of their influence in your life from this point on. I don’t allow the other person to speak during this exercise, because usually when I get to this point, the time for discussion is over and the fact that I can’t continue to have them in my life, abundantly clear. The next part is crucial: you then release your feelings about the situation into the old universe, and release the person as well. Tell them to go in peace.

When you finish, shut the door. I find it helpful to see and feel a heavy door that takes mental effort to push closed (an exercise of will, to further cement your intention), and seal. I then wave my hand over this door, making it disappear, leaving only a blank stone wall. At this time I turn around to the opposite wall where there’s another door. Outside this door is a bright sunny scene, with all your friends and loved ones whose company and role in your life you value the most. Stay in this scene for as long as you like, and then gently bring yourself back to full waking consciousness.

You can vary the imagery to suit your individual taste — if you’re more comfortable in a modern building with an advanced security system than a stone castle, use that. I just have a thing for medieval imagery. :P

Variation: Blocking Out Specific Aspects

By the time I got around to creating the alternate exercise, closing off to specific aspects of a person without shutting out the person themselves, I was doing this less with visual imagery and more by feel and will alone. As such I just held the concept of what I wanted to shut out, felt myself doing so, and opened up to their more positive aspects. I realize that explanation is a bit abstract and maybe not as easy to implement, so I’ve reverse engineered a variation of the original that should work the same way. In this exercise, outside the first gate you picture a situation where you encountered the aspect of the other person that you want to block out. See yourself in that situation, but instead of being annoyed, hurt or victimized, you say “STOP!” and then firmly explain that you will not allow this or situations like it to happen again; you will no longer allow this into your experience. Release your feelings about the situation as you exit that scene. After sealing the first gate, you walk out the second one into an experience you’ve had with the other person that you enjoyed.

Keeping the Castle Clean

These techniques can be extremely effective — but this depends largely on your willingness and ability to take responsibility for your own experience, and reactions. If you do the exercise but continue to simmer over what the person has done, or it’s still easy for them to “push your buttons,” then you’re still putting yourself in the victim role, which requires the presence of a tormentor. In other words, you’re sending out conflicting messages: you’re shutting them out and then inviting them right back in again to give them even more of your personal power. When we hold on to hurt and resentment, we hold part of the other person and the situation within us. In this case I recommend cord cutting, and doing the exercise from this post with the aspect of yourself that’s offended. That aspect needs to know that the other person is no longer a factor, but to keep it that way it needs to release the resentment. You may need to do the castle meditation more than once.

My experiences with this have been good and even surprising. Interestingly my most stunning success with it was with someone I’ve never actually met. This was the ex husband of someone I cared about who was harrassing her in various forms on an almost daily basis, and walking the fine line of legality. Since this was affecting me by extension, I did the technique to shut them and all their influence out of my experience. The harrassment stopped literally overnight, giving my loved one the breathing space to sort out her own perceptions and shut the harrasser out of her experience as well. What I believe happened was that by me doing the exercise, the aspects of the person being harrassed had to choose between aligning with me, and the harrasser, at the subconscious level, which was a no-brainer methinks. I have also used this to great effect with people I personally could not have in my life anymore, and it has become another powerful tool for me to take responsibility and determine the course of my experience.

–Palehorse

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Smoother Sailing Through Stressful Situations


Yesterday I explained how a change in my perspective made me a lot less easier to offend or stress out. But one of the most effective ways to deal with a difficult situation with another person is to avoid it before it happens. Using the law of attraction, it is possible to alter your vibration such that many of these situations are avoided, by changing your thoughts and perceptions.

The law of attraction states that what we focus on the most, we receive more of in our lives. Conversely, what we take our focus away from, will diminish. This can be used to make our interactions with others a lot smoother — whether there’s someone you can’t easily avoid playing an antagonistic role in your life, you want to have an easier time in crowds or traffic, or you have to deal with someone in a professional capacity you’d rather not. I recently used it to have the easiest time going through airport security and customs that I ever have, and I made sure to email and thank them for the smooth positive experience afterward (expressing gratitude is important!). :)

The key is to focus on what you want (as opposed to what you don’t want) which is the very best that person or situation can offer you. Your perception is key here: if your perception of someone is “nasty person,” can you really blame them for acting nasty? In reality people are complex and dynamic, and what makes someone “nasty” is your perception of their behavior. And perceptions can be changed

If you have to interact with a person you’re not particularly fond of, take some time to reflect on their best qualities. Or express thanks to the universe (or your higher power of choice) for encounters with them that have been pleasant, or at least civil. It’s a well known behavior-modification technique with kids, that they eat up praise and compliments like candy, and will behave more often to get them, as opposed to focusing on their bad behavior. I’ll let you in on a secret: people never really grow out of this. So, if it would be appropriate to thank or compliment the person for something positive about themselves, I highly recommend it.

For less personal situations, I recommend sending some love and gratitude in advance; we’re all interconnected, so if the intent is there they’ll get it on some level. If you have to deal with a person in an authority position, reflecting on their humanity rather than their occupation, and visualizing the encounter being a smooth and positive one. If it’s traffic, thank the universe for open roads and courteous drivers. This can be extended to just about any situation you’d rather not be in, where other people are involved. Once you make these exercises into habit, you will begin to see your circumstances rearrange to remove the negativity — whether by improving the quality of the interaction, removing the person from your life, or allowing you to avoid the situation.

If you don’t see dramatic results immediately, don’t worry! Changing your vibration can take time, largely depending on what your prevailing mental habits are like right now. You can’t expect to do two minutes of visualization and have everything go swimmingly, if you’re spending the rest of the day bitching about every last source of irritation. But if you start putting consistent effort into changing your habitual way of thinking about people and situations, I can promise that your experience will rearrange to reflect it!

In the next post, I’ll share a technique I’ve developed that’s a bit more direct, for diminishing the influence of a person, or maybe just aspects of them that aren’t beneficial to you, in your life. I call it my “Esoteric Ignore Button.” ;)

–Palehorse

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Keeping Cool in Conflict


While having a discussion earlier about the merits and effectiveness of sending good thoughts and energy to difficult people, I remembered the words of someone from a long time ago who was one of my teachers in more ways than one. This was a communications instructor I had, and she was intent that if we took nothing else from her class, we learned one thing:

“Roughly 90% of what happens to you is not about you.”

My interpretation of this is that when I encounter difficult people in my daily life, 9 times out of 10 they’re reacting to their own internal issue, projected onto me, and thus it’s not worth getting offended. Alternately, if someone does something inconsiderate or thoughtless that I might well find offensive, the “offense” is in reality caused by my perception, and the other person probably didn’t intend any harm at all. This may well be one of the single most useful things I picked up in school; since incorporating it into my philosophy it has dramatically cut down on stress and conflict in my life. Nowadays it’s extremely difficult to offend me or get me to react other than how I choose to, which puts me in a very empowered position in my interactions with others.

When in conflict with others, knowing this it becomes possible to use compassion in a way that actually puts you in the “power position,” rather than being a victim or a doormat. Refusing to react in kind means that you’re not being drawn into a negative cycle of action-reaction, and you’re refusing to take any negativity into yourself. The mental state you’re shooting for says “I’m sorry for whatever is causing you to act this way, and I take responsibility for my own part in this situation, but I refuse to let any negativity into my own energy.” You can then resolve the conflict directly as appropriate, at your discretion. Sometimes it’s just a passing incident best shrugged off; other times a direct confrontation may involve a threat to your physical safety no matter how laid back you are about it. If possible though, the most empowering outcome is when you are able to calmly but firmly state the facts to the other person: “this is why I’m offended” and/or “I refuse to be treated this way.”

At the energetic level I’ve found that this approach can often have a powerful effect as far as dissolving the negativity in a situation. In the case of minor annoyances, mentally blessing the other person makes me feel good, rather than letting my irritation put my mood on a downward spiral. I’ve also come away from situations with very angry people, and instead of reacting with anger myself, either sent them positive energy through our connection or just meditated on regarding them with love and compassion… and soon had them approach me in an apologetic or otherwise positive way. As for actually sending energy though, I would recommend limiting this to people you know well, who you know would be receptive to you under normal circumstances. I say this because there are people who will be hostile to it and not want to reconcile, and would view the sending, either consciously or subconsciously, as a form of attack. In that case I would recommend simply regarding them with compassion and understanding, and avoiding them when possible. Free will is a factor here, and should always be respected.

In the next post I’ll explain how principles of the Law of Attraction can be applied toward dimishing conflict with others in your life.

–Palehorse

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Pop Your Personal Bubble



When I was writing about “doing out of character things just to see what would happen” yesterday, it brought to mind an interesting experience I had when I was in school. You may be familiar with the concept of the “personal bubble”; the amount of space we like to have between us and other people to feel comfortable, which varies between individuals and cultures. I discovered that it has an energetic basis, and can be switched on and off at will.

I walked into class one night preoccupied with my thoughts and flopped into a desk without thinking too much of it, until the woman next to me started getting visibly uncomfortable. At that point I realized the rows had been a bit mangled by the previous class, and my seat was shoved halfway into the middle of an aisle, next to and slightly behind hers, a lot closer than most people would be comfortable with. I was about to get up and move, when I had a sudden impulse to try something different. I deliberately relaxed myself and mentally relinquished my concept of personal space, and noticed her settle down too almost immediately.

I went through the rest of the class, having completely forgotten about all this shortly after… until I went outside, and quickly noticed that something didn’t feel right. People were walking way too close to me, and I was nearly run into several times. It was as if they weren’t even registering that I was there! Realizing what had happened at that point, I decided to test whether I was just imagining all this, and sat down in the middle of a crowded bench of random strangers. There wasn’t any of the awkward shifting and sideways glances you’d expect — nobody reacted in the slightest, or even seemed to notice me sitting there. At that point I knew I had found a new tool and figured I’d had enough fun for one night, so I mentally turned my personal bubble back on before I crossed the street so my space wouldn’t be invaded by any speeding vehicles. wink

This was my first experience of the way we can alter our energy to influence the way others respond to us, and opened up a whole new avenue of thought and development for me. If something like the personal bubble is just an artificial construct that can easily be turned on and off at will, what other aspects of our reality that we take for granted can we say the same for?

Why not do some experiments of your own and find out?

–Palehorse

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Conquer Your Fear #3: Embrace Change!



Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature,
nor do the children of men as a whole experience it.
Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.
Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.
To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits
in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable.

–Helen Keller

Next to social anxiety, fear of change, the unknown and attachment to “security” are the other biggest obstacles to truly living. This idea of security can be a powerful influence. We often prefer what’s familiar, even if it’s not in our best interest. The toxic relationship. The job you can’t stand. The “comfortable” life devoid of risk when you know you have the potential to be more. You know when you’re in this sort of situation, because you can feel it; your discomfort is your spirit longing to express itself more fully. Ultimately, the only true source of security is within — it’s a state of mind that you can achieve now, regardless of your external circumstances.

Life is perverse in the sense that, the more you seek security, the less of it you have. But the more you seek opportunity, the more likely it is that you will achieve the security that you desire.
–Brian Tracy, as quoted by John Clark

The fear of uncertainty is perfectly natural – but the truth is that security is an illusion; change and uncertainty are two of life’s constants. Resisting change only leads to stagnation and stunts our growth. But something I also learned from experience is that when you start making moves toward your passion and your highest good, reflecting more of your true self, the universe will respond by opening up new paths to allow you to keep going.

Life Lessons from a Supervillian

A wise friend once explained to me that the universe never wastes energy – it’s not going to lay a bunch of options in front of you that you may or may not overcome your fear enough to move toward. So, get to steppin’, and then you’ll start to see new opportunities. For some reason this explanation gave me the mental picture of Magneto in one of the X-Men movies. If you’ve never seen them, Magneto is able to control metal, and there’s a scene where he steps out into empty space and pieces of scrap metal are forming a walkway under him as he goes. This was a powerful image for me (hey, whatever works, right? ;) ) — step out in faith and you’ll find yourself on your path. Even if it looks like there IS no way possible – I urge you to just start moving. If you don’t know what to do or don’t have any sense of direction, just do something different from what you’ve been doing, and if you don’t like the results of that, do something else. Don’t wait either – start moving today, even if you only take a baby step. You’ll start taking bigger steps once you reinforce your confidence, but you have to start somewhere or you’ll never start at all. If you’re thinking you have too many commitments and attachments and “responsibilities” to think about moving in a different direction, that just means your first steps need to be toward releasing some of them. If you’re not completely happy with your life as it stands now, and not living out your passion, then you owe it to yourself to try something new (and if you are, hell, write me a guest post and tell us how you got there. Heheh. :P )

Testing (or Being Tested By) My Philosophy

Once I realize something, like change, is a given, I tend to embrace it and do whatever I can to turn it into an asset rather than an adversary. I’ve found that this approach is great for reducing resistance and stress in my life. In keeping with my previous post about “arranging the playing field on your own terms,” after finally ending a mutually unhealthy relationship, I confronted many of my fears about change, security and social situations… by going on vacation. :D

My wacky adventure started when a long time online friend from Delaware invited me to head over for a visit. When I mentioned this in my personal blog though, I was suddenly inundated with demands to “visit me too!” Long story short, this evolved into an epic hippie-trek down most of the east coast. At the time this was a big step out of my comfort zone – I had a lot of anxiety surrounding things like being out of my element, meeting new people, having to be social for extended periods, getting lost and generally not feeling like my circumstances are under my control. As such I kind of knew this was going to be more than a regular vacation, and I was deliberately using it as an opportunity to confront a lot of stuff at once. But by this time I had been taking deliberate (though smaller) steps out of my comfort zone for a while, often just to see what would happen.

In the weeks leading up to it, and during the trip itself, I was definitely tested. Everything about it from the order of the visits to the actual people I’d be visiting kept changing as people dropped in and out of the arrangements, and the whole thing looked to be on the verge of falling apart several times. The day before I was supposed to leave I even discovered someone had yoinked my suitcase for their own vacation, thinking it was theirs, and at that point I couldn’t afford a new one. To say I was getting tense is an understatement; I was frequently worrying about what I had gotten myself into, even thinking I was probably a bit nuts for agreeing to all this (luckily for me my sanity has often been the subject of debate :D ). But every time something changed, I made it a point to remain calm and kept reaffirming that everything would go perfectly, exactly as it needed to. Right before I left I happened to hear from my mom that she had been out and stumbled upon a suitcase even better than my old one that was being sold at a fraction of the regular cost because of some small cosmetic defect. I took it as a good omen. :)

The testing didn’t end once the trip began, either. It started out with security taking too long and my gate being changed after my layover… resulting in me running across Phoenix airport with my belt and boots in one hand, holding up my pants with the other, and getting let onto the already closed plane by amused employees, which is a lot funnier now than it was at the time. I did get completely lost in the baffling labyrinth that is Penn Station in NY… and then managed to find and board my train at 1:33 that left at 1:35. There was another day when I had an all day train ride across several states into PA, but still hadn’t heard from the next person to know whether I had a place to sleep that night.

But you know what? By the time all was said and done, the whole thing went off even better than anything I could’ve planned myself. Nothing went so wrong as to be a serious problem, I had a great time, and came back with a lot of good stories. I attribute this to the fact that I surrendered my concept of security and trusted that things would turn out fine. The whole experience had a profound impact on my philosophy and approach; even the course of my life itself. Years after the fact, I also see that trip as “training” — without that, I’m not sure I would have been able to suddenly pick up and move over to the UK, when the opportunity presented itself within a span of a few months. But it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, and I’m still getting confirmations along this crazy journey that I’m continuously moving toward fulfilling what I came here for: my soul’s full self-expression.

Now it’s your turn: what did you do today to move toward your highest good?

–Palehorse

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Conquer Your Fear #2: Squash Social Anxiety


Earlier in my life, I could’ve been a poster-child for social anxiety. My self esteem was a general disaster area. I was awkward meeting new people. I had a hard time looking people in the eye. If a random person unexpectedly stopped me to talk, my first response would be to feel defensive. And don’t get me started on trying to approach women… yeesh.

At some point in our lives we have all experienced social anxiety in one form or another. When surveys are conducted, it ranks near the top every time, even above the fear of death! As I said in my last post, fear that aids in survival can be healthy; fear of things that aren’t directly threatening to our survival, not so much. Social interaction never killed anybody, and people are naturally social animals. Obviously finding a way to eliminate these fears is in our best interest.

So why are we so afraid of each other?

That’s a damn good question; glad you asked. ;) Social anxiety stems from two mistaken beliefs, held either consciously or subconsciously.

1. “My worth is determined externally, by what other people think of me.”
2. “Other people are more important than I am.”

Fortunately I can scientifically prove that both of those are false; no matter who you are. Using quantum physics no less. Don’t run off screaming; I promise it won’t make your head explode! ;) Check this out:

Question1: What are you made of? (Correct answer: “Particles and empty space.”)
Question 2: What am I made of? (Correct answer: “Particles and empty space.”)
Question 3: What separates us? (I’ll give ya three guesses and the first two don’t count. Yep: “Particles and empty space.”)

Call me a geek (and you’d be right) but reflecting on this truth was one of the major shifts in thinking that eliminated my fear of other people. And it’s the same thing mystics of all major traditions have been saying for centuries: we are all interconnected, and the different between “me” and “you” is hazy at best. We all have a role to play, from the president, to the beautiful woman you want to get to know, to you and I; but “importance” and “authority” are both illusions that we project on other people. When you realize on every level that your self worth is inherent and comes from within, that you’re about as important as you believe yourself to be, and that other people’s opinion and response to you is largely influenced by how you see yourself, you will be the one projecting an air of authority and importance. It then becomes possible to use even your own self image as a tool to start creating your ideal social experience. Let’s look at some specific situations though, and what can be done to make them feel more natural.

Fear of Social Situations

Once you’ve done the internal work to improve your self image to reflect the response you’d like to get from others, the best advice I can give is to practice, practice, practice. If you still have anxiety, acknowledge that but do it anyway. It helps to keep in mind that there’s a good chance the other person whose opinion you’re concerned about might be just as worried about what you think of them! Or that they used to be, if they’ve already done the work to move past their own social anxiety. In any case I’m not going to go too much into how to build good social skills in this post because I’m mostly concerned with achieving the ideal state of mind first; besides that topic has been covered on a million other sites, and books.

One thing I do recommend is doing some thinking on what your comfort zone is, and then deliberately taking small steps outside it. Use the every-day encounters that you probably have to do anyway for practice. I found people that I encountered on regular errands or otherwise had to buy something from, to be good practice for two reasons. First, being pleasant is probably part of their job, so you’re basically guaranteed a good reaction. Secondly, all too often people like the mailman, the bank teller, the waitress, aren’t acknowledged on a more personal human level – so when you do, their reaction will probably be genuine. In any case, the positive interaction will reinforce to your subconscious that you can interact confidently and get a positive response. So, when you’re going about your day, make it a point to look that person in the eye, smile and tell ‘em to have a good one.

A lot has been said about how the online world is no substitute for social interaction in person, which is true, but kept in its proper perspective it too can be used as a tool for overcoming social anxiety. When I was restructuring my self image and way of relating to others, you might say I beta-tested a lot of my ideas and ways of communicating online in order to see how other people reacted to different things. On the internet we can be whoever we want, so it’s a good place to experiment with minimal risk. It was also useful for developing my interests, finding new ones and getting more comfortable expressing my thoughts, beliefs and opinions to other people. At some point though, you’re going to have to take what you’ve learned out in the real world in order to continue growing.

For those who are feeling a bit bolder, I recommend taking the experimentation out into the real world. After all, there’s no better way to overcome a fear of making an ass of yourself… than by making an ass of yourself! :D This ties into what I said yesterday about setting up the playing field on your own terms. This can be a lot of fun – get together with an equally adventurous friend, go someplace away from where you live where nobody knows you, and deliberately do things that are out of character. Go out wearing something ridiculous. Make up a joke survey and see if you can get people to take it. Go up to the first ten people you see, tell them you’re from the planet Zexpar, your ship has crashed and you’re wondering if they have a spare fluxulator. No, seriously. The idea is of course to set things up so that you can drop your inhibitions in a safe way, and in doing so, lose your attachment to what other people think. What do you have to lose except your fear? This exercise is limited only by your imagination and comfort level. Let’s keep it legal and ethical too, though [insert liability waiver here for my-arse-covering purposes]. ;)

Fear of the Opposite Sex

This is the other biggie for many people, and I’m no stranger to it. Most of what I have to say is of course from a male perspective, but hopefully my female readers can also extrapolate something for their own benefit.

For many guys, approaching women, especially really attractive ones, is nerve-wracking. It helped me a lot to think on why I found beautiful women intimidating. At some point I decided there was no reason I shouldn’t interact with whoever I want, and this fear was holding me back, so I started challenging it. The short of it was that after questioning all the usual assumptions, when I couldn’t come up with a good answer for why they should be intimidating, I stopped being intimidated. ;) The longer version is that women, no matter how beautiful, are just regular people like me or anyone else, strengths, weaknesses, flaws, insecurities and all. So why should I give them any special treatment, whether in my own mind or in practice? Why is it up to me to impress a woman? If I’m to decide whether she’s someone I want to pursue spending more time with, isn’t it equally important for her to impress me? Just another few examples of how thinking outside the box and challenging disempowering beliefs can bring good results.

My idea above for deliberately going outside your comfort zone in a “safe” way applies here too – go out in public, pick a girl you find attractive but aren’t worried about ever seeing again if it goes badly; smile and say hi, or even start a conversation if you’re up for it. Don’t even plan on having anything more come of it; do it solely for the practice. For that matter, strip clubs (yes, seriously) could also be a good place to get used to talking to attractive women in a safe environment. Just see it as social practice and don’t read too much into it there, turbo; it’s what they’re paid for. ;)

One last thing for now thats worked in my favor, oddly enough… is that I’m an equal opportunity heckler. Even when I was having a much harder time socially, I’ve always loved messing with people in a playful good natured way and pointing out the absurd wherever I find it… and nobody is safe, muahaha. It’s probably not for everybody, but if you can pull it off, it works extremely well on a lot of levels. Humor and laughter is the best cure for tension and anxiety for all involved. I’ve also found that when it’s done right and everyone’s having a good time, a bit of ribbing is disarming in a way that puts you in the “power position” of an interaction and causes people to see you as 1. fun and 2. someone they want to impress.

Now that I’ve gone through the ways I overcame my social anxiety, it’s your turn – what has worked well for you? Tell us about it!

–Palehorse

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Conquer Your Fear #1: Create Your Own Life Lessons



What would you do or be if you could be free from all fear? Fear is the number one obstacle standing between you and the life of your dreams. In the next three posts I’ll be exploring what it is, where it comes from and several techniques and shifts in thinking to help you set yourself free from its influence.

When we were still living in the wild tens of thousands of years ago (or ten minutes ago for you creationists out there ) fear alerted us to genuine threats to our survival, and flooded the body with adrenaline so we could more effectively fight or flee. Back then, it was an essential defense mechanism. Today, when that same response often shoots through us in response to situations that aren’t threatening to our survival, not so much. That kind of fear only holds us back; keeps us from taking risks that could very well pay off; from enjoying our full potential.

The universe itself is pushing us to overcome our fears, mainly in two ways. Much like our beliefs create our experiences, so too do fearful aspects of ourselves reflect themselves in our lives. In other words, at some point the universe is probably going to force you to face the subject of your fear in order to overcome it, though if you don’t, the fear will only be reinforced. The downside is that a stronger fear requires a more in-your-face display from the universe – meaning your experience will get increasingly harsh until you do something about it. This has to do with the way life lessons are taught.

Alternately, we insulate ourselves from our fears. We avoid situations where they might come into play, and it eventually starts to affect our quality of life. Again the universe is nudging us toward freedom from fear, because if this goes on long enough the aspect of your life that’s controlled by it will eventually become more unbearabe than the fear itself. This is the nature of the human spirit: it needs to be free, and one way or another, it will. So what should we do in light of this?

Beat the universe to the punch, and set up the playing field on your terms.

You recognize that you’re going to have to face the fear one way or another, so you deliberately set up a situation where you will confront it – but on your own terms, in a way that’s relatively low-risk and that you can even have fun with. Once you experience the good outcome, fear dimishes, courage is reinforced and you’re either free or well on your way. Gehenna recently set a good example of this when she acted on the insight from her early February reading.

Florence Scovel Shinn touches on this with the concept of “the lion on the path.” Once you confront the lion, more often than not it transforms into something either benign or beneficial before your eyes, or otherwise you find that there IS no lion and never was. By not only confronting the lion but scripting the encounter on your own terms, rather than waiting for it to find you, you empower yourself even further!

Examples of how I did this in my own life tie into my next post, where I’ll explore one of the two biggest sources of fear and how I conquered it.

Further Reading

The Urban Monk has written a very thourough and helpful article on Fear and Anxiety Cures from a more psychological perspective. I’ve been reading a lot of the material there lately, and he’s also the one who gave me the idea to start including a few external links in my posts, so he gets to be the first. ;)

–Palehorse

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